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The Main Attraction

The Main Attraction

Let’s talk about sex. It’s a good, interesting topic that everyone has at least some sort of mild interest in. Now I know, when you look to your left and see your partner, covered in cheesy poof dust and reeking of BO and beer, you’re thinking “Yeah right.” You know as well as I do though, at some point in your time together, not only were you sexually attracted to your partner, but COULDN’T wait for them to get their greasy little hands on you. Then, roughly six months to a year later that “honeymoon phase” ended and you felt lucky to have the energy to get plowed once a month. Twenty years, three kids, and and plenty of beer later, you can barely stand the sight of each other. Did you ever stop to ask yourself why the “honeymoon phase” ended? Well, I’m here to give you some insights into why and guess what? It’s just as much your fault as it is your partner’s…

First reason for losing that loving feeling: You had children quickly into the relationship, before you even really knew if you were compatible. Getting laid is awesome, but there are many, many, MANY methods out there to prevent pregnancy. Yet you decided you were ready to have children before you even knew your partner has a strange fascination with eating his own bodily excretions. So while you were trapped in the house nursing  that little bundle of vomiting joy, you got a real close view of Mr. Perfect digging in his nose for his midnight snack. But it goes beyond that, doesn’t it? Yes, Miss Genius, it does. There’s a good chance neither one of you really knew anything about each other before you threw yourselves into raising human lives together. Now you’ve discovered you have nothing in common. Your personalities are polar opposites. Then comes the tension, and the tension grows into resentment, which turns into disdain, and eventual loathing or hatred. Sounds sexy, doesn’t it?

What is the solution to this problem? Don’t get married and/or have babies until you know the person you’re with, and I mean REALLY know them. If the sound of them gargling Oh Come All Ye Faithful in the bathroom at six in the morning irks you now, can you imagine what that will be like when you’re sleep deprived from changing your germ-ridden monster’s liquid-pooh filled diapers all night long? I promise you will start thinking no jury in their right mind would convict you…

Second reason you no longer feel like doing the old slap and tickle: Trust issues. You’re emotionally scarred because your sixth grade girlfriend cheated on you with that little bastard Bobby Turner. Every time you turn around, you’re sure your wife is sleeping with the paperboy, the mailman, the 711 cashier, and pretty much anyone else she can sneak in your bedroom window while you’re in the bathroom taking a whiz. The poor woman can’t go have her coot checked by the GYN without you busting down the door and punching  the doctor in the face. Take a step back…would you want to have sex with you if you were constantly accusing you of being a slut? No, probably not.

“But Crystal, how do I fix my trust issues?” I don’t fucking know. Go to therapy. Lay your happy ass on the nice leather couch and explain how your daddy never showed you any affection and your mommy used off-brand triple antibiotic ointment on your booboos instead of Neosporin. Whine your little heart out about any damn thing you want until you figure out your wife or husband isn’t cheating on you. But whatever you do…don’t, and I mean DON’T think that if you cheat on them you’ll be teaching them a lesson. More than likely all you’ll actually do is hurt someone who for some strange reason loves your insecure ass, and will in all likelihood end your relationship. Then you stand a good chance of dying miserable and alone, full of regret for pogo-sticking that Vietnamese stripper in the back of your Ford Festiva. And damn, don’t those herpes hurt?


And now, reason number three your mojo went kaput: You two dumbasses stopped appreciating each other. Do you think he likes schlepping his life away at whatever schmucky job he’s been at for the last ten years to provide you with a house and a car and keeps those mouthy little garbage disposals fed? Fuck no he doesn’t. More than likely he would rather sit his ass on the couch 24-7 and watch football. But guys, you dicks don’t get off on this either. You think she’s been completely fulfilled by working a menial job where she puts up with ten different kinds of sexual harassment to help you pay the bills, to come home to her house destroyed by your demon-seed, cooking and cleaning, being Mom, Wife, Housekeeper, Peacekeeper, Accountant, and the other million little things women do to make life run smoothly for everyone else? Hell no she’s not fulfilled by that shit. Do you know what makes all of that worth it? APPRECIATION! Yeah, you’re both tired and overworked, but he’ll feel loved if you get your ass in the kitchen and make him a damn sandwich once in awhile. And she’ll be shocked and amazed if you rub her feet after she’s hiked around all day in those “professional” looking heels. I promise, you will feel the mojo rising after a few simple gestures of gratitude. Remember, it’s great to say thank you for the big things, like when he bought your dream house, or you know, when she pushed a ten pound bowling ball with your face out of her vag, but it’s showing the gratitude for the mundane little everyday bullshit that matters most.

Ah yes, now time for my favorite, reason number four: Sex has gotten boring. Of course it has. Real life takes over and you learn to realize if you want to get your nookie on you take it anyway you can. That only works for so long and before you know it, you’ve fallen into the boring sex trap. “Ok, we have ten minutes on Wednesday afternoons between Timmy’s soccer practice and Jane’s piano recital.” Next thing you know, it’s been five years of ten minutes on Wednesday afternoons. Why? Because that’s what you SETTLED for. It was easy and you stuck with it, but now you aren’t even interested in the Wednesday afternoon quickie. People, people, people…sexual attraction is just like every other aspect of relationships…it takes a little bit of effort to maintain it. So what you both have to get up too God awful early…once in awhile it’s more than okay to go to work suffering from sleep deprivation because you spent the night exploring new ways to use chocolate syrup and feather dusters. And you can’t forget to talk…tell each other what you like, what you want, what you don’t like. Way too many people stop having sex because they don’t like what their partner is doing, but don’t ever bother to say, “You know, that’s okay, but instead of doing that, why don’t you do this?” Are you embarrassed? If you are, get over it, jackass! This person has probably seen more of you than you have, smelled your farts, and discussed their bowel movements with you. What is so embarrassing about telling your mate you’d really like them to give you the bowling ball grip? Absolutely nothing! See, nice and easy. Get over the boring sex with a little effort, a little sacrifice, and a little conversation…not too hard at all.

So did you maggots and hookers learn anything today? I hope so, but if not…too bad for you because I’m definitely getting it good.