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When A Couple Announces They Are Getting Married

When a couple announces they are getting married

Have you noticed how, when a couple announces they are getting married, we immediately – on cue – get those thought bubbles upside our heads ‘half-behinded’ sentences like; “…Oh, he eventually succumbed…”, “…poor fool, he ultimately gave in…” and many other statements! We come up with these kind of statements that seem to make it out that it was the woman who nagged the ‘poor idiot’ into matrimonial misery!

We do this, both men and women,  with teethy smiles and smug expressions plastered on our faces, with words like “…congratulations…!”, “…that’s great news…!” , and for the forward ones “Finally…!” These and more roll of that little deceptive pinkish piece of flesh in our mouths so easily, it could be considered a talent!

I think I know a number of couples whereby they got married, or about to do so, at the insistence and persistence of the guy; and only after the girl ran out excuses and/or delay tactics! LOL

Eish…’na only a couple of men have actually succeeded into even making me consider marriage as a very possible venture! I guess it is because they are the only ones who ever made it sound like I will be embarking on the most exciting time of my life – an adventure peppered with love, growth and laughter!

As for some other okes; I will confess, today, that listening to your propositioning hurt my ears and made want to cut myself at the thought of growing old with you! Hey, look, for some it was fun while it lasted, but we all know the saying “…some people come into your life for a reason, some for a season…”!

Anyway, back to the matter at hand, the basic truth is all throughout the centuries, society has pidgeon-holed our minds so bad that we are still stuck in that ice age mentality; yet we claim and boast we are of the 21st century! Women are still considered man-hungry lunatics, desperately trying to jump off the out of control spinster tram (ba batla ho theoha staff…)!

We come a long way on how women have been treated and considered; things have changed by leaps and bound, but somehow we actually still behave the same way – men and women! And there are some women who just make me wish I had a machine gun…but that is a story for another day!

Its sad really, to hear someone applauding a man for a promotion, yet would try bet that a woman slept for the same promotion! Its so silly, anyone who thinks that way is actually dumb and believes both species are dumber – and you watch too many movies! Correct me if I am wrong, but I doubt any sane male would want to be in close proximity with someone whose body he has just used! And sisters, imagine having to be around the dude who you grade as ‘U’ (ungraded) every sigle day, and having to respect him because you need the pay-check! I am not stupid though, I know it does happen and can manifest itself in so many other ways, but bathong haaauu…!

It is pathetic to see a bunch women hacking like hyenas around a man who flashes his wallet brighter and louder than an ambulance! Even going to the extent of getting into a silly fight (hheyy…it just hit me how the word ‘cat-fight’ came up! Lol) It is really screwed up to see men (some as old as the dinosaur foot prints) throwing money like a web to catch piteous vixens; having forgotten they have a wife and children living on  malebota!

It is scary seeing a crowd of people, men and women, standing back, watching and commentating, while a man whips a woman like a stray dog that has upturned your dustbin for the umpteenth time!  It is disgusting that the same woman, after she has been rescued will crawl back to the said monster, claiming she loves him, so she has to drop the case of attempted murder!There is so much of this double standard ‘lentality’ (singular of mentality) lol widespread within and amongst us! Women are not free; men (and women’s) notion of women has not changed since the beginning of time! My version of female freedom goes something like this; live and let live – do not judge me and concoct myths about me because of my genitalia! Let me be; let me chase and be chased without labels!

I am tired of having to be the one who adjusts and men staying the same, I am tired of having to behave but my brothers having enough rope to hang themselves and even me (with my hands bound, unable to undo the know!) Do not get me wrong; I do not want to go and do something stupid like set my scrotum on fire, I just want the freedom to live my life as I please! So, brothers (and sisters) please kindly get out of our faces and accept us as ‘full-fledged sexual creatures with grey matter inside their skulls which actually functions!

The Main Attraction

The Main Attraction

Let’s talk about sex. It’s a good, interesting topic that everyone has at least some sort of mild interest in. Now I know, when you look to your left and see your partner, covered in cheesy poof dust and reeking of BO and beer, you’re thinking “Yeah right.” You know as well as I do though, at some point in your time together, not only were you sexually attracted to your partner, but COULDN’T wait for them to get their greasy little hands on you. Then, roughly six months to a year later that “honeymoon phase” ended and you felt lucky to have the energy to get plowed once a month. Twenty years, three kids, and and plenty of beer later, you can barely stand the sight of each other. Did you ever stop to ask yourself why the “honeymoon phase” ended? Well, I’m here to give you some insights into why and guess what? It’s just as much your fault as it is your partner’s…

First reason for losing that loving feeling: You had children quickly into the relationship, before you even really knew if you were compatible. Getting laid is awesome, but there are many, many, MANY methods out there to prevent pregnancy. Yet you decided you were ready to have children before you even knew your partner has a strange fascination with eating his own bodily excretions. So while you were trapped in the house nursing  that little bundle of vomiting joy, you got a real close view of Mr. Perfect digging in his nose for his midnight snack. But it goes beyond that, doesn’t it? Yes, Miss Genius, it does. There’s a good chance neither one of you really knew anything about each other before you threw yourselves into raising human lives together. Now you’ve discovered you have nothing in common. Your personalities are polar opposites. Then comes the tension, and the tension grows into resentment, which turns into disdain, and eventual loathing or hatred. Sounds sexy, doesn’t it?

What is the solution to this problem? Don’t get married and/or have babies until you know the person you’re with, and I mean REALLY know them. If the sound of them gargling Oh Come All Ye Faithful in the bathroom at six in the morning irks you now, can you imagine what that will be like when you’re sleep deprived from changing your germ-ridden monster’s liquid-pooh filled diapers all night long? I promise you will start thinking no jury in their right mind would convict you…

Second reason you no longer feel like doing the old slap and tickle: Trust issues. You’re emotionally scarred because your sixth grade girlfriend cheated on you with that little bastard Bobby Turner. Every time you turn around, you’re sure your wife is sleeping with the paperboy, the mailman, the 711 cashier, and pretty much anyone else she can sneak in your bedroom window while you’re in the bathroom taking a whiz. The poor woman can’t go have her coot checked by the GYN without you busting down the door and punching  the doctor in the face. Take a step back…would you want to have sex with you if you were constantly accusing you of being a slut? No, probably not.

“But Crystal, how do I fix my trust issues?” I don’t fucking know. Go to therapy. Lay your happy ass on the nice leather couch and explain how your daddy never showed you any affection and your mommy used off-brand triple antibiotic ointment on your booboos instead of Neosporin. Whine your little heart out about any damn thing you want until you figure out your wife or husband isn’t cheating on you. But whatever you do…don’t, and I mean DON’T think that if you cheat on them you’ll be teaching them a lesson. More than likely all you’ll actually do is hurt someone who for some strange reason loves your insecure ass, and will in all likelihood end your relationship. Then you stand a good chance of dying miserable and alone, full of regret for pogo-sticking that Vietnamese stripper in the back of your Ford Festiva. And damn, don’t those herpes hurt?

And now, reason number three your mojo went kaput: You two dumbasses stopped appreciating each other. Do you think he likes schlepping his life away at whatever schmucky job he’s been at for the last ten years to provide you with a house and a car and keeps those mouthy little garbage disposals fed? Fuck no he doesn’t. More than likely he would rather sit his ass on the couch 24-7 and watch football. But guys, you dicks don’t get off on this either. You think she’s been completely fulfilled by working a menial job where she puts up with ten different kinds of sexual harassment to help you pay the bills, to come home to her house destroyed by your demon-seed, cooking and cleaning, being Mom, Wife, Housekeeper, Peacekeeper, Accountant, and the other million little things women do to make life run smoothly for everyone else? Hell no she’s not fulfilled by that shit. Do you know what makes all of that worth it? APPRECIATION! Yeah, you’re both tired and overworked, but he’ll feel loved if you get your ass in the kitchen and make him a damn sandwich once in awhile. And she’ll be shocked and amazed if you rub her feet after she’s hiked around all day in those “professional” looking heels. I promise, you will feel the mojo rising after a few simple gestures of gratitude. Remember, it’s great to say thank you for the big things, like when he bought your dream house, or you know, when she pushed a ten pound bowling ball with your face out of her vag, but it’s showing the gratitude for the mundane little everyday bullshit that matters most.

Ah yes, now time for my favorite, reason number four: Sex has gotten boring. Of course it has. Real life takes over and you learn to realize if you want to get your nookie on you take it anyway you can. That only works for so long and before you know it, you’ve fallen into the boring sex trap. “Ok, we have ten minutes on Wednesday afternoons between Timmy’s soccer practice and Jane’s piano recital.” Next thing you know, it’s been five years of ten minutes on Wednesday afternoons. Why? Because that’s what you SETTLED for. It was easy and you stuck with it, but now you aren’t even interested in the Wednesday afternoon quickie. People, people, people…sexual attraction is just like every other aspect of relationships…it takes a little bit of effort to maintain it. So what you both have to get up too God awful early…once in awhile it’s more than okay to go to work suffering from sleep deprivation because you spent the night exploring new ways to use chocolate syrup and feather dusters. And you can’t forget to talk…tell each other what you like, what you want, what you don’t like. Way too many people stop having sex because they don’t like what their partner is doing, but don’t ever bother to say, “You know, that’s okay, but instead of doing that, why don’t you do this?” Are you embarrassed? If you are, get over it, jackass! This person has probably seen more of you than you have, smelled your farts, and discussed their bowel movements with you. What is so embarrassing about telling your mate you’d really like them to give you the bowling ball grip? Absolutely nothing! See, nice and easy. Get over the boring sex with a little effort, a little sacrifice, and a little conversation…not too hard at all.

So did you maggots and hookers learn anything today? I hope so, but if not…too bad for you because I’m definitely getting it good.


The difference between women & men

The difference between women & men 

Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD, also body dysmorphia, dysmorphic syndrome; originally dysmorphophobia) is a type of mental illness, a somatoform disorder, wherein the affected person is concerned with body image, manifested as excessive concern about and preoccupation with a perceived defect of their physical features

The difference between women & men – Buckle up Bitch