This Is A Pretty Awesome Idea. [via]
I hate to say it but the man actually makes it sound like a Laurel & Hardy or Three Stooges episode!
A Man Who Still Believes In Magic
A police officer found a perfect hiding place for watching for speeding motorists.
One day, the officer was amazed when everyone was under the speed limit, so he investigated and found the problem.
A 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said “Radar Trap Ahead.”
A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy’s accomplice: another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading “TIPS” and a bucket at his feet full of change.
One winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his wife hear the announcer say, “We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.”
Bob’s wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.”
Bob’s wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park…” then the electric power goes out.
Bob’s wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, “Honey, I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?”
With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?”
Officer Wants To Know why This Guy Has No Last Name. [via]
Never Fart On Your First Date.
Karen had just moved with her family to Alabama , so she had to go renew her driver’s license at the County Clerk’s office. She waited for almost tow hours and when she got to the front of the line she was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation. Karen hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself.
“Ma’am what I mean is,” explained the woman recorder, “do you have a job, or are you just a …?”
“Of course I have a job,” snapped Karen. “I’m a Mom!”
“I’m sorry we don’t list ‘mother’ as an occupation… ‘however, housewife’ covers it,” said the recorder emphatically.
I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our own Town Hall. This Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and possessed of a high sounding title like, “Official Interrogator” or “Town Registrar.”
“What is your occupation?” she probed.
What made me say it, I do not know. but this time I was quick on my toes. These words simply popped out. “I’m a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations.”
The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair, and looked up dumbfounded as though she had not heard right.
So, I repeated the title very slowly, emphasizing the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire.
“Might I ask,” said the clerk with new interest, “just what you do in your field?”
Trying to act very collected and without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, “I have a continuing program of research, in the laboratory and in the field. Right now I’m working for my Masters, and already have three credits, (all daughters). Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities, (any mother care to disagree?) and I often work 13+ hours a day. But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just monetary.”
There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk’s voice as she completed the form, stood up, and personally walked me to the door.
As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants ages 12, and 6. Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model, (a 6 month old baby), in the child-development program, testing out a new vocal pattern. I felt triumphant! I had scored a beat on bureaucracy! And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished to mankind than “just another mother.”
Motherhood…..What a glorious career! Especially when there’s a title on the door.
I wonder does this make grandmothers “Senior Research Associates in the field of Child Development and Human Relations” and great grandmothers Executive Senior Research Associates”? I think so!!! I also think it makes Aunts “Associate Research Assistants.”
A guy noticed a lady in Whole Foods grocery store with a three year old girl in her shopping cart. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for chocolate chip cookies and her mother told her, “No.” The little girl immediately began to fuss causing everyone to look, and the mother said in a very low voice, “Now Allison, we just have half of the aisles left to go through, please don’t be upset. It won’t be very long now.”
Later, the mom accidentally took the wrong turn and before she could stop they ran into the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn’t have any, she began to cry. The mother said, “There, there, Allison, don’t cry – only two more aisles to go and then we’ll be checking out.”
Finally, they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to shout for bubble gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there’d be no gum purchased. The mom said serenely, “Allison, we’ll be through this check out stand in 4 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap.”
The guy followed them out of Whole Foods to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. “I couldn’t help noticing how patient you were with little Allison,” he began.
The mom replied, “I’m Allison – my little girl’s name is Jessica.”