An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, ‘we’re not coming out until you leave!’
The old man frowned, ‘I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.. ‘
Holding the bucket up he said, ‘I’m here to feed the alligator.’
Some old men can still think fast.
These three newlyweds stayed at the same Sandals Resort in Barbados for their honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Edward the Butler.
The first husband married a nurse. As Edward showed them to their room and thought to himself, “What a lucky dude. Nurses are known to be hot to trot”.
The husband married a telephone operator. Edward showed them to their room and thought to himself,”Wow, he’s a lucky one. Telephone operators have the sexist voices…”.
The husband man married a school teacher. Edward showed them to their room and thought to himself “This poor guy, she’s pretty but teachers are just too uptight”.
The following day Edward answered to work at 5:00 in the morning. He expected just the teacher’s spouse to call for breakfast any moment and the other two would call much later in the day.
To Edward’s surprise 6:00 a.m. The phone rings it’s the nurse’s husband wanting breakfast.
The nurse’s husband opened the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man’s pajamas were still wrinkle free and his hair nicely combed.
Edward asked, “Sir, What happened ? You married a nurse didn’t you?”
The man grumply replies, “Son, don’t ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying ” you’re not sanitary, you’re not sanitary”.
Edward left immediately and went back down to the lobby desk to wait for the next call.
6:30 a.m. The telephone operator’s husband calls for breakfast.
Edward brings breakfast as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opens the door and Joe stepped back in shock. This time the man was fully dressed and had a sour face.
Edward asks,” What happened?
Telephone operators are suppose to be as sexy as their voices.”
The man sourly replies “listen, don’t ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, “your four minutes are up, your four minutes are up.”
Again Edward rushed back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband will be calling any minute.
3:30 p.m. The teacher’s husband called for breakfast. Edward can’t believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room.
The man opened the door and Joe took a step back in shock. He wore only his boxers and his hair was a mess. He had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs.
Edward fearing the worst asked “What happened to you? Did you have a fight?”
The man smiles and happily replies, “No. Sir, when you marry be sure to marry a school teacher.
All I heard last night was her voice saying, “We are going to do this over and over, until we get right.”
A woman had a Schnauzer dog. It became very hard of hearing. She took it to a veterinarian, who told her that the reason the dog couldn’t hear was because of the heavy and thick hair in it’s ears. He recommended that she buy a large bottle of “Nair” and rub some in the dog’s ears three times a week.
The woman went to a drug store and asked the Pharmacist for a large bottle of “Nair. The pharmacist brought it to her and said that if she was going to use it under her arms, she should not use any deodorant there for two days. The woman said that she wasn’t going to use it under her arms. The Pharmacist then said that if she used it on her legs, she shouldn’t use any lotion on her legs for two days. The woman said that she wasn’t going to use it on her legs. She said that it was for her Schnauzer. The Pharmacist said in that case, she should refrain from riding her bicycle for at least one week.
A 17-year-old boy who works part-time at Pizza Hut drives up his parent’s driveway in a Porsche….
Naturally, his parents know that there’s no way he earned enough with his after-school job to buy such a car.
“Where did you get that car?” his mom and dad screamed in shock.
He very calmly tells them, “ I bought it today.”
“With what money young man?” his mom demands. “We know how much a Porsche costs and you cannot afford it”
“Well, it’s used and I Got a good deal” says the boy, “This one cost me 20 dollars.”
At this point, the parents don’t believe him and start yelling even louder.
“Who on earth would sell a car like that for 20 dollars?!”
“The woman up the street,” the boy replies.
“Name please?” Asked the mom
“I don’t know her name–she just moved in. She order a pizza and I delivered it to her and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for 20 dollars.”
“Oh my gosh,” the mom moans. “She must be some sort of crazy. Who knows what she will do next? Tim, you go right up there now and see what’s going on.”
The boy’s dad and mom hurry over to their new neighbor’s house, ready to demand an explanation. Curiously, their new neighbor is calmly planting flowers in her front yard.
“I’m the father of the kid you just sold a sports car to for $20,” the dad says. “I need an explanation from you – ASAP!”
“Well,” the woman says, not looking up from her garden. “This morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip in Florida, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn’t intend to come back.”
“What on earth does that have to do with selling our son a Porsche for $20?” The boy’s mom asks, utterly perplexed.
The new neighbor smiles very big, and pauses for a minute.
“Well, my husband asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”
An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time, became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic.
He put a sign up outside that said: Dr. Geezer’ss clinic. “Get your treatment for $500, if not cured get back $1,000.”
Doctor “Young,” who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.
So he went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic.
This is what transpired.
Dr. Young: — “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth.” can you please help me ??
Dr. Geezer: — “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.”
Dr. Young: — Aaagh !! — “This is Gasoline!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr Young: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”
Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Doctor Young: “Oh no you don’t, — that is Gasoline!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: “My eyesight has become weak — I can hardly see !!!!
Dr. Geezer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so — ” Here’s your $1000 back.”
Dr. Young: “But this is only $500…”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”
Moral of story — Just because you’re “Young” doesn’t mean that you can outsmart an old “Geezer ” !!!!
A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty
old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.
Student: “Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?”
Professor: “Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn’t be a professor, would I?”
Student: “OK. So I’d like to ask you a question. If you can give me
the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you
can’t give me the correct answer, however, you’ll have to give me an “A”.
Professor: “Hmmmm, alright. So what’s the question?”
Student: “What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and
neither logical nor legal?
The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can’t crack the answer.
Finally he gives up and changes the student’s failing mark
into an “A” as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.
The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all
afternoon, but still can’t get the answer. So finally he calls in
a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really
tough question to answer: “What is legal but not logical,
logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?
To the professor’s surprise (and embarrassment), all the students
immediately raise their hands.
“All right” says the professor and asks his favourite student to answer
“It’s quite easy, sir” says the student “You see, you are 75 years old
and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not
Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal.
And your wife’s lover failed his exam but you’ve just given him
an “A”, which is neither legal, nor logical.”
Old Lady Responds To Being Alone On A Cruise Ship.