A mother passing by her daughters bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made & everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up on the center of the bed. It was addressed, “Mom”. With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope with trembling hands: “Dear Mum, it is with great regret & sorrow that I am writing to you, i had to escape with my new boyfriend because i wanted to avoid a scene with you & Dad. I’ve been finding real passion with him & he is so nice, even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard & motorcycle clothes. But its not just the passion Mum, i am pregnant & he said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods & has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me & that is now one of my dreams too. He taught me that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone & we’ll b growing it for us & trading it with his friends for all the cocaine & ecstasy we want. In the meantime we’ll pray that science finds a cure for AIDS so he can get better, he sure deserves it! Don’t worry Mum, i am 15yrs old now & i know how to take care of myself. Someday i am sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren. Your daughter, Sophie…
P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I’m over at the neighbors house. I just wanted to remind u that there are worse things in life than my report card that’s in my desk top drawer. I love u! Call me when it is safe to come home..”
A man asked his wife what she’d like for her birthday. “I’d really love to be ten again” she replied wistfully. On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, got up, made her a nice big bowl of Frosted Flakes and then took her off to their local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald’s where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to the cinema to see the latest blockbuster, complete with a hot-dog, popcorn, a big fizzy drink, and a huge bag of M&M’s, her favourite sweets. What a time she had! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, “Well, Darling, what was it like being ten again?” Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. “You idiot”, she replied. “I meant my dress size…” And the moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he’s still going to get it wrong……..
“Father, how am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?”
“My child, you have been a married woman for many years. You have had three husbands! Surely that cannot be.”
“Well, father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk, and the next one was in construction and he always said he’d get to it tomorrow. The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look. But this time, father, I’m marrying a lawyer and I’m sure I’m going to get screwed.”
A teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
‘Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom? ‘Michael said: ‘Just a minute I have to go pee.’ The teacher responded by saying: ‘That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?’
Sherman said: ‘I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.’
‘That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?’
Johnny said ‘I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.’
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.
‘Are you the manager?’ she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
‘Actually, no,’ he replies.
‘Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,’ she says, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
‘I’m afraid I can’t,’ breathes the barman, clearly aroused. ‘Is there anything I can do?’
‘Yes there is. I need you to give him a message,’ she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them. ‘Tell him,’ she says, ‘that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies’ toilet.’