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Four Guys Going On A Fishing Trip.

Four guys going on a fishing trip.

fishing

Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Ron’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going.

Ron’s mates are very upset that he can’t go, but what can they do. Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

“Shit Ron, how long you been here? How did you talk your missus into letting you go?”

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“Well, I’ve been here since last night. After dinner at home yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, ‘Guess who?’

I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing sexy brand new lingerie. She said she had been reading ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ and she had a devilish look in her eyes!!!

She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!

She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, ‘Do whatever you want.’

So . . . . here I am!”

A Little Old Lady Goes To The Doctor And Says :

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says :
“Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much.

My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office.
You didn’t know I was farting because they don’t smell and are silent.

The doctor says,”I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.”

The next week the lady comes back.

“Doctor,”she says,”I don’t know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts…although still silent…stink terribly.”

The doctor says,”Good !!! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”:)

phuuurt

They’re The Special Environmentally Friendly Ones

grandparents

A little girl is visiting her grandparents. Her grandma tells her to go brush her teeth, and put on her pajamas. The girl brushes her teeth and hops into bed, but completely naked. Grandma is quite taken aback, and asks the girl why she’s not wearing pajamas.

“Oh, I am wearing pajamas! They’re the special environmentally friendly ones” the girl replies, with a wink.

Grandma decides to take her chances. She gets into bed, butt naked, and cuddles up to Grandad.

“Why are you naked?” he asks.

“I’m not naked, I’m wearing those special environmentally friendly pajamas” she says,.

Grandad shudders. “You could have at least ironed them.”

Fruit Farmer Do You Have A Place For Us To stay Tonight.

watermelon

Two guys driving and their car breaks So they got to a fruit farmer and say “Fruit farmer do you have a place for us to stay tonight” The fruit farmer replies “Sure you can stay upstairs with my daughter just no sleeping with her” Unfortunately his daughter was a knock out so the two guys screwed the hell out of her The next day the fruit farmer says since you disobeyed me i want each of you to go out in my fields and pick a hundred pieces of your favorite fruit. Relieved, the two guys said I thought he would be pissed So the two guys set out to pick there fruit The first guy comes back with a hundred cherries. To his surprise he finds himself staring at a double-barreled shotgun And the fruit farmer says “Now shove them all up you ass” Well the guy gets to 25 and he starts giggling, He gets to 50 and he starts laughing, Finally gets to a hundred and he is laughing so hard pees a small stream down the inside of his trousers Not amused the fruit farmer yells “What the hell so goddamn funny?” The guy replies “I’m just laughing at my buddy because he is picking watermelons”:)

I’m Sorry, Your Honor.

court

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, “You’re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.”

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, “You bastard!”

The judge says, “You’re also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer.”

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, “You bastard!”

The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, “Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I’ll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?”

The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, “I’m sorry, Your Honor, but for fifteen years, I’ve lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”:)

After Being Married For 30 Years

30

After being married for 30 years, a man took a look at his wife and said, “Honey, do you realize 30 years ago, I had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a pull out bed and watched a 13 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 21 year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 51 year old blonde. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things.” Now the wife, a very reasonable woman, told him to go out and find a hot 21 year old blonde, and she would make sure that he would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and if he was lucky he would have a small television to watch.:)

Bob, A Lawyer, Was Driving Home…

Bob, a lawyer, was driving home… – Buckle up Bitch

Golden Gate Bridge

Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day on the ocean fishing. His catch,

cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger-side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding… Wouldn’t you know that a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned him to the side of the bridge. Bob pulled over like a good citizen.

The cop walked up to the window and said, “You know how fast you were going, boy?”

Bob thought for a second and said, “Uh, 60?”

“67 miles per hour, son! 67 miles per hour in a 55 zone!” said the
cop.

“But if you already knew, officer,” replied Bob, “why did you ask me?”

Fuming over Bob’s answer, the officer growled and said in his
sarcastic fashion, “That’s speeding, and you’re getting a ticket and a fine!”

The cop took a good close look at Bob in his stained fishing attire
and said, “You don’t even look like you have a job! Why, I’ve never
seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!”

Bob answered, “I’ve got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!”
The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob’s fish, and said, “What
kind of job would a bum like you have?”

“I’m a rectum stretcher!” replied Bob.

“What did you say, boy?” asked the patrolman.

“I’m a rectum stretcher!”

The cop, scratching his head, asked, “What does a rectum stretcher do?”

Bob explained, “People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, then one whole hand, and then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it’s a full six feet across.”

The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, “What the hell do you do with a six-foot asshole?”

Bob said, “You give him a radar gun and place him by a bridge!”:)