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Skinny Dipping

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, ‘we’re not coming out until you leave!’
The old man frowned, ‘I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.. ‘
Holding the bucket up he said, ‘I’m here to feed the alligator.’
Some old men can still think fast.

This Gentleman Married A Teacher, He Never Expected Her To Say This.

These three newlyweds stayed at the same Sandals Resort in Barbados for their honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Edward the Butler.

The first husband married a nurse. As Edward showed them to their room and thought to himself, “What a lucky dude. Nurses are known to be hot to trot”.

The husband married a telephone operator. Edward showed them to their room and thought to himself,”Wow, he’s a lucky one. Telephone operators have the sexist voices…”.

The husband man married a school teacher. Edward showed them to their room and thought to himself “This poor guy, she’s pretty but teachers are just too uptight”.

The following day Edward answered to work at 5:00 in the morning. He expected just the teacher’s spouse to call for breakfast any moment and the other two would call much later in the day.
To Edward’s surprise 6:00 a.m. The phone rings it’s the nurse’s husband wanting breakfast.

The nurse’s husband opened the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man’s pajamas were still wrinkle free and his hair nicely combed.

Edward asked, “Sir, What happened ? You married a nurse didn’t you?”

The man grumply replies, “Son, don’t ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying ” you’re not sanitary, you’re not sanitary”.

Edward left immediately and went back down to the lobby desk to wait for the next call.

6:30 a.m. The telephone operator’s husband calls for breakfast.

Edward brings breakfast as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opens the door and Joe stepped back in shock. This time the man was fully dressed and had a sour face.

Edward asks,” What happened?

Telephone operators are suppose to be as sexy as their voices.”

The man sourly replies “listen, don’t ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, “your four minutes are up, your four minutes are up.”

Again Edward rushed back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband will be calling any minute.

3:30 p.m. The teacher’s husband called for breakfast. Edward can’t believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room.

The man opened the door and Joe took a step back in shock. He wore only his boxers and his hair was a mess. He had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs.

Edward fearing the worst asked “What happened to you? Did you have a fight?”

The man smiles and happily replies, “No. Sir, when you marry be sure to marry a school teacher.

All I heard last night was her voice saying, “We are going to do this over and over, until we get right.”

Schnauzer

A woman had a Schnauzer dog. It became very hard of hearing. She took it to a veterinarian, who told her that the reason the dog couldn’t hear was because of the heavy and thick hair in it’s ears. He recommended that she buy a large bottle of “Nair” and rub some in the dog’s ears three times a week.
The woman went to a drug store and asked the Pharmacist for a large bottle of “Nair. The pharmacist brought it to her and said that if she was going to use it under her arms, she should not use any deodorant there for two days. The woman said that she wasn’t going to use it under her arms. The Pharmacist then said that if she used it on her legs, she shouldn’t use any lotion on her legs for two days. The woman said that she wasn’t going to use it on her legs. She said that it was for her Schnauzer. The Pharmacist said in that case, she should refrain from riding her bicycle for at least one week.

The Schnauzer

Cowboy Knew Something Was Up.

One after noon at Gilley’s bar and grill a bartender saw this cowboy walk in. The cowboy imediately comeup to the bar and orders three brews and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

After he finished his brews, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, “You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it so it would taste better if you bought just one at a time.”

The cowboy says, “Well, you see, I have two bros. One is in Europe, the other is in Dublin and I’m in Texas. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we were together. So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself.”

The bartender admits that this is a very nice custom and leaves it there. Over the year the cowboy becomes a regular customer in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders 3 drinks and drinks them in turn.

This past Thrusday, he comes in and orders only two mugs! All the regulars take notice and become very silent. The bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains…

“It’s just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and obviously I had to quit drinking. Hasn’t affected my brothers though.”