How this Guy Handled Someone Who Would Not Give A Refund. [via]
A bigshot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.
He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She walked into his room and announced, “I have to take your temperature.”
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
“No, I’m sorry, the nurse stated, “but for this reading, I can’t use an oral thermometer.”
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, “I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!”
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After almost an hour, the man’s doctor comes into the room.
“What’s going on here?” asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, “What’s the matter, Doc? Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?”
After a pause, the doctor replies, “Yes, but never with a daffodil!”
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in
real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,
‘Kin ya swallar?’
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, ‘Kin ya breathe?’
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, ‘Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’ but I ain’t niver seed nobody do it!’
Repossess The Farm.
Wearing heels is not sexy if..
A person goes to the doctor with his 3 year old son.
Person: – Doctor, my son has swallowed a key.
Doctor:- When did he swallowed a key?
Person:- 20 days back.
Doctor:- And you are coming to me now, after 20 days.
Person:- We had a duplicate key, but we lost it today.
The Intruders Demands
A man escapes from a prison and breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner’s wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.
If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain… do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”
His wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. I love you, too!”
At last a guy has taken the time to write down this all. Finally, the guys’ side of the story. We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
1. Men ARE not mind readers
2. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
3. Crying is blackmail.
4. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
5. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.
6. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
7. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
8. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
9. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t Expect us to act like soap opera guys..
10. If something we said can be interpret in two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
11. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
12. Whenever possible , Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
13. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
14. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
15. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
16. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear
17. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football, cars, bikes or games
18. You have enough clothes.
19. You have too many shoes.
20. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can – to give them a laugh. Pass this to as many women as you can – to give them a bigger laugh.
A mother passing by her daughters bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made & everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up on the center of the bed. It was addressed, “Mom”. With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope with trembling hands: “Dear Mum, it is with great regret & sorrow that I am writing to you, i had to escape with my new boyfriend because i wanted to avoid a scene with you & Dad. I’ve been finding real passion with him & he is so nice, even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard & motorcycle clothes. But its not just the passion Mum, i am pregnant & he said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods & has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me & that is now one of my dreams too. He taught me that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone & we’ll b growing it for us & trading it with his friends for all the cocaine & ecstasy we want. In the meantime we’ll pray that science finds a cure for AIDS so he can get better, he sure deserves it! Don’t worry Mum, i am 15yrs old now & i know how to take care of myself. Someday i am sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren. Your daughter, Sophie…
P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I’m over at the neighbors house. I just wanted to remind u that there are worse things in life than my report card that’s in my desk top drawer. I love u! Call me when it is safe to come home..”
I’d really love to be ten again
A man asked his wife what she’d like for her birthday. “I’d really love to be ten again” she replied wistfully.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, got up, made her a nice big bowl of Frosted Flakes and then took her off to their local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald’s where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then it was off to the cinema to see the latest blockbuster, complete with a hot-dog, popcorn, a big fizzy drink, and a huge bag of M&M’s, her favourite sweets.
What a time she had!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, “Well, Darling, what was it like being ten again?”
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
“You idiot”, she replied. “I meant my dress size…”
And the moral of the story:
Even when a man is listening, he’s still going to get it wrong……..