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A person goes to the doctor

doctor

A person goes to the doctor with his 3 year old son.

Person: – Doctor, my son has swallowed a key.

Doctor:- When did he swallowed a key?

Person:- 20 days back.

Doctor:- And you are coming to me now, after 20 days.

Person:- We had a duplicate key, but we lost it today.

 

 

robber

The Intruders Demands

The Intruders Demands

petroleum

A man escapes from a prison and breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner’s wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.

If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain… do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

His wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. I love you, too!”

Men ARE not mind readers

Men ARE not mind readers

At last a guy has taken the time to write down this all. Finally, the guys’ side of the story. We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

1. Men ARE not mind readers

2. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

3. Crying is blackmail.

4. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

5. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.

6. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

7. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

8. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

9. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t Expect us to act like soap opera guys..

10. If something we said can be interpret in two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

11. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

12. Whenever possible , Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

13. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

14. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

15. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

16. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear

17. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football, cars, bikes or games

18. You have enough clothes.

19. You have too many shoes.

20. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can – to give them a laugh. Pass this to as many women as you can – to give them a bigger laugh.

There Are Worse Things In Life..

neat room

A mother passing by her daughters bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made & everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up on the center of the bed. It was addressed, “Mom”. With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope with trembling hands: “Dear Mum, it is with great regret & sorrow that I am writing to you, i had to escape with my new boyfriend because i wanted to avoid a scene with you & Dad. I’ve been finding real passion with him & he is so nice, even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard & motorcycle clothes. But its not just the passion Mum, i am pregnant & he said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods & has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me & that is now one of my dreams too. He taught me that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone & we’ll b growing it for us & trading it with his friends for all the cocaine & ecstasy we want. In the meantime we’ll pray that science finds a cure for AIDS so he can get better, he sure deserves it! Don’t worry Mum, i am 15yrs old now & i know how to take care of myself. Someday i am sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren. Your daughter, Sophie…

P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I’m over at the neighbors house. I just wanted to remind u that there are worse things in life than my report card that’s in my desk top drawer. I love u! Call me when it is safe to come home..”

I’d Really Love To Be Ten Again

I’d really love to be ten again

bday

 

A man asked his wife what she’d like for her birthday. “I’d really love to be ten again” she replied wistfully.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, got up, made her a nice big bowl of Frosted Flakes and then took her off to their local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald’s where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then it was off to the cinema to see the latest blockbuster, complete with a hot-dog, popcorn, a big fizzy drink, and a huge bag of M&M’s, her favourite sweets.
What a time she had!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, “Well, Darling, what was it like being ten again?”
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
“You idiot”, she replied. “I meant my dress size…”
And the moral of the story:
Even when a man is listening, he’s still going to get it wrong……..

I Am Still A Virgin

priest

“Father, how am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?”

“My child, you have been a married woman for many years. You have had three husbands! Surely that cannot be.”

“Well, father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk, and the next one was in construction and he always said he’d get to it tomorrow. The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look. But this time, father, I’m marrying a lawyer and I’m sure I’m going to get screwed.”

Teach Good Manners

Teacher

A teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

‘Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?
‘Michael said: ‘Just a minute I have to go pee.’ The teacher responded by saying: ‘That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?’

Sherman said: ‘I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.’

‘That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?’

Johnny said ‘I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for
a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.’

The teacher fainted…