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Mrs. Davidson’s Dishwasher Quit Working…

repair

Mrs. Davidson’s dishwasher quit working, so she called a Repairman. He couldn’t accommodate her with an evening appointment, and, since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you the check. By the way, don’t worry about my Doberman. He won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, not under any circumstances talk to my parrot!”

When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Davidson’s apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking doberman he had ever seen. But, just like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business.

However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant cursing, yelling, and name-calling. Finally the repairman couldn’t stand it any longer and yelled: “Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!”

To which the parrot replied: “Get him, Spike!:)

9 Interesting Confusions!

confusion

9 interesting confusions!

1. Can you cry under water?

2. Do fishes ever get thirsty?

3. Why don’t birds fall of trees when they sleep?

4. Why is it called building when it is already built?

5. When they say dogs food is new and improved, who tastes it?

6. “I Love You” is not a question then why does it need an answer?

7. Why does round pizza come in a square box?

8. Why doesn’t glue stick to its bottle?

9. If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Joe And Wanda Had A Small Apartment In The City…

Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city…

apartment-

Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

“There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he said.

“An ambulance just drove by.”

A few moments passed.

“Looks like the Anderson’s have company,” he called out.

“Matt’s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex.”

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. “How do you know that?” the startled father asked.

“Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,” his son replied:)

He Is going To Try To Kiss You

 

grandmother

There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.

Her grandmother says, “Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. “He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don’t let him do that.”

She continued, “He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don’t let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don’t let him do that.

Then the grandmother said, “But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don’t let him do that. It will disgrace the family.”
With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.

The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said.

She said, “Grandmother, I didn’t let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family.”:)

Pete Complained To His Friend…

Pete complained to his friend…

pharmacy

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only costs you $10.00.”

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks…….

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:

1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using cocaine.
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ……. twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don’t stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better.:)

A Male Patient Is Lying In Bed At A Hospital

patient

A male patient is lying in bed at a hospital with an oxygen mask over his face and still heavily sedated from more than four hours of operation. A young female nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.

Patient: “Nurse” (he feebly mumbles from behind the mask) “are my testicles black?”

Embarrassed young nurse: “I don’t know, I’m only here to wash your hands and feet.”

Patient (struggles again to ask): “Nurse, Please, Are my testicles black?”

Finally, she removes his covers, lifts his gown, takes a close look and says: “There is nothing wrong with them!”

Patient (slowly after removing his oxygen mask): “That was very nice but listen very, closely – ARE…MY…TEST…RESULTS…BACK?”

A Lady Goes To Toys R Us To Buy A Barbie Doll.

barbie-doll-libra-man

 

A Lady goes to Toys R Us to buy a Barbie doll. She tells the clerk that she needs to buy a Barbie but doesn’t know what’s available or price.

The clerk replies “we have Tennis Barbie and she’s $28” Lady asks “well, anything else?” “We have an equestrian Barbie, and she’s $28”.

Lady asks “anything else?” “Well, we have divorced Barbie and she’s $250”
The lady replies “I don’t understand why divorced Barbie is so expensive.

The others were only $28. What is so special about divorced Barbie?” The clerk replied “Simple, she comes with Ken’s car, his house, and all his other stuff.”

FUNNY ULTIMATE TRUTHS:

FUNNY ULTIMATE TRUTHS: - Buckle up Bitch

FUNNY ULTIMATE TRUTHS:

1. Whenever i find the Key to Success, someone changes the lock.

2. The road to success is always under Construction

3. In order to get a loan, You first need to Prove that you don’t need it

4. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or Married 😉

5. Once you have bought something, you will find the same Item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate